Saturday, August 16, 2008

Only me....

So today was D day. I was very sure one of two things would happen. I would either spend the night rejoycing with someone, I was hoping Matt since I knew Dolly was out with RJ, or I would spend it alone in tears. The latter happened of course. Not because I was sad that the divorce was final and over but because the custody battle now begins. I have spent so much time and money on this thing I just wanted it over. Isaiah's father and I had already agreed on joint custody should have been no problem. But because Isaiah has been in California for almost six months, the court hasnt decided which state has juristiciton over him regardless of the fact there was nothing to dispute. Meaning Im going to have to start that part over again in California I believe. I am so tired of this I just wanted it done and over but of course , I should have expected nothing less. Im really just trying to understand why me? What could I have done to deserve all of this. I have tried and tried to be as good and kind as I can and I always find myself in the same situation; alone crying while people who claim to care are nowhere to be found.

Friday, August 8, 2008


We've all had that sad moment where someone we cared about made an unexpected and even expected exit from our lives. Whether we knew it was coming or not, it didn't change the way we felt. Or even just things that happen and no matter who you are or where you come from we all have the same one word question"Why?". Going through this whole divorce mess has left me with a lot of time to spend in my own mind. It's not something Ii really like but I have no say in the matter. Divorce is everything you think it is and sometimes worse. When you think your life is going one way and will stay that way, you are suddenly faced with a whole new world that you now have to create without the help of someone who wants to go there with you. I find myself in a weird position that other people don't seem to understand. In as little as fourteen days I turn 25. Now to people over that age they roll their eyes at me when I talk about how old that is. To me it's like this: I spent six years of my youth with someone I was prepared, through good and bad to spend the rest of my life with and have my son grow up in an undivided house. Now I am faced with nothing but unknown. Every time I think I get close to knowing, I get the wind knocked out of my sails.I don't remember my son's father practicing voodoo, but I swear he put a curse on me. More than anything, I want to come out of this successful and happy and not even shove it in his face. Just let my happiness speak for itself because I don't think he ever will be truly happy.I strayed from my topic I know.
ANYWAY, when you look at the things that happen to you, you want an"oh so that's why" answer instantly and sadly sometimes it takes years. Personally,I can see why this whole divorce thing happened. I just wish I had gotten out sooner or never even started. I feel cheated and it's hard for me to mask my intense dislike for him. Every time something bad has happened to me since then, there is always some way that it's his fault. My boyfriend doubts my commitment values or perhaps my personality or something because of the divorce. The one I didn't want, the one I cried and anguished months over. Me following his good for nothing$$#% to other states pursue his"dream" of being in the Army which forced me to be a stay at home mom and put off my own dreams there for leaving me unprepared for his departure from my life so now I work like a maniac at a job where I get paid barely enough. Having to say goodbye to my son EVER for a lengthy amount of time. All of these things come right back to him.

But of course since I don't want this to be the negative blog here are the positives: I lost over thirty pounds, I have new hair, I'm with someone that I(scary) could actually see spending my life with and who made me realize it wouldn't be "death" to have another kid, I've meet more people than I did the first two years I lived here. I got my license and a car. I'm sure I had more to write but I think I'll stop here and wonder off into my brain once more

Monday, August 4, 2008

New Beginings and introducing me

So I'm trying this blog thang again. You would think it's easy for someone who wants to be an author. But the only excuse I have is that my other writing's are only sometimes slightly based on me. So this is me in a nutshell; I am a former stay at home mom/Army wife. I was married for six years and struggled to make it work until the day he decided it didn't work for him.Whatever. I have been separated for almost a year now and am very VERY close to having the whole divorce mess put behind me and I cannot wait. I am so glad I didn't wait for him to file and took the initiative myself to get it done. I now live with my brothers and my mother and it's true what they say, you can never go back home. My beautiful son is currently living with his father in California where he is in school and soon to start speech therapy. He was diagnosed with Autism. I am working on trying to get myself on more stable ground so that I will be able to have more time with him but until then it's just me. It's not the easiest thing in the world to do believe me but some how I manage. I spend a lot of time alone but I have acquired myself some friends here in the lovely state of AZ and even managed to catch the eye of a very special man whom I adore. We also have had our ups and downs but I think we have finally found our way. I have no idea what is ahead of me but I know it's going to kick all kinds of butt. This blog will detail all the junk I do and don't do as well as random thoughts. Thank you Momobear for putting together the coolness.I still have more stuff do to to spiffy it up but at least I have made my first post